Healing

"This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark"

           ~Tenth Avenue North

Last night at the gym, this song came up on my playlist. I almost skipped it. The cadence was too slow to match my elliptical steps. But, I love this song so I let it play.

I'm glad I did.

This song speaks to me on many levels ~ emotional, spiritual, and mental. But last night I realized something. Getting into physical shape is also a process of healing. I am still fleshing out what that really means but I see progress in small increments as I go.

My body is sick. I've neglected it. I've abused it. I've put the wrong things into it and expected perfection to come out. Insanity.

But, slowly it is healing.

I don't crave sugar as much as before.

I'm sleeping deeply and peacefully.

I am satisfied with MUCH less food.

After a workout I don't hurt quite as much.

I go back to the gym. Again. And again.

I have been pushing my body past the point of ease ~ breaking down those walls if you will. I am not obsessing, I am just working hard. And it feels good.

The outward change hasn't begun (at least as far as I can tell) so I have to remind myself of these smaller steps of healing. And the joy that comes from losing some of the chains that have held me for far too long.

Here is the song in its entirety. If you have something that has held you (or you hold onto and can't let go), let these words sink in... Let the healing begin.

"Healing Begins"
So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear

So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now, oh

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark 

~Tenth Avenue North

Well, I looked and it's been since 2010 when I used this blog. For someone who loves to write, that is sad.

Pathetic actually.

But, I'm baaacccckkkkkk :-)

I am still on the journey. I titled the blog "On the Journey" because I've learned that life affords us different journeys during different seasons. I wanted the freedom to explore whatever journey was in front of me at the time.

For the last year, I have been on a journey to simplify my life and my schedule. I try to do too much. I always have. I try to please too many people. I used to try to please people out of insecurity. These days I try to please them because I deeply, genuinely care for others. But, in doing so I have often neglected those people and things that deserve and demand the best of me. I have neglected quality time with my kids, quality time with my spouse, and most glaringly quality time taking care of myself.

While working to simplify, God took me to a place of acceptance of how He made me and why I have some of the struggles I do ~ namely, my physical body. I learned that the scale is just an inanimate number that is simply a reflection of my choices. It isn't a definer of my worth as an individual. I also learned that God gave me a body that accurately reflects my choices. I used to get angry at the people I saw who could eat all sorts of crap and still look amazing and wonder "why can't I do that". But God, in His great love for me, knew that this supreme struggle of my life was about what I chose to fill my emptiness and frustration and longing with. And He knew that only by making my body as one that reflected outwardly the inward choices I made, would I ever seek freedom and healing from HIM alone.

I achieved a fit body once. I worked by behind off to get it. I counted points, counted exercise, spent countless hours researching the newest "healthy eating" options, preached, lauded, became arrogant and showy, and took every single ounce of the glory of that accomplishment.

But, here's the thing about thinking you do it all alone. You do. And, when the first rocky patch comes along, having learned to trust and depend solely on yourself finds you, ironically, alone. And, when you are alone, you are vulnerable. And that, my friends, is how I gained back every ounce I worked so long to lose and lived in paranoia of coming back.

And, that is why I'm not going it alone this time.

First and foremost, I have the support and grace of the ONE who is most important to me. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Phil 4:13). I am learning, day by day, that the source of all I do is greater than myself. This time, I want to please HIM. I want to know that I am honoring this body He gave to me. That I am treating it with the respect it deserves. That I am being faithful and not taking it for granted.

I also know I have the support of my family and friends. You know who you are. I love you. You may appear on the pages of this blog. Forgive me in advance :)

And, I'm reaching into the bloggesphere with minimal expectations other than a place to park all the thoughts and feelings as I go. There is a supreme connection for me between writing and clarity. Between writing and action.

So, if you choose to journey with me, thank you. I hope we can encourage each other.

"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor; if either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken" Ecc 4: 9-12

Thanks for being part of my cord.