UN~intentional pressure

Hello friends!

It's been quiet here on the blog, hasn't it? {Cue crickets}

I attempted to take a much needed break the entire second half of August while we vacationed in the woods. It was wonderful but I decided to never again schedule a lengthy vacation IMMEDIATELY prior to the start of school. I returned to craziness ~ organizing, implementing, communicating, processing... One of my friends remarked it was akin to whiplash ~ Ummm, YES!!! That's EXACTLY how I feel!

But, as it always happens, life, school, and responsiblities find their natural rhythm again and our families are faced with choices of how to spend our time. There are so many things vying for our attention. You don't need to read my blog to know this. We are innundated with this concept. In fact, I'm reticent to even post this blog for fear of adding to the white noise out there. So. Much. Noise.

But, I have noticed something of late and I wonder if  you have too?

The current buzz-phrase in my information circle seems to be this ~ Intentional Living.

I have read books, listened to speakers and perused blog posts all proclaiming this message. It's the idea that we must be intentional in our living and in our choices. If not, we might miss something. I understand the heart of those I'm hearing... we can become distracted to the point we don't spend "real" time with our family or friends. We become so dependent on social media that we no longer pick up the phone to call a friend. We rush through our days and in the effort to do the "next good thing", we miss a hug from our children, or the smile on our friend's face, or the hurting neighbor who just needs some encouragement. There are also those posts calling us to remember how short life is ~ how we need to eek out every moment, tackle our bucket lists, and grab. every. chance before it is gone.

For a while, this was a valuable concept for me ~ this call to be intentional. But, somewhere along the way, I have started to feel this insidious, subtle pressure and guilt.  It's as if I am not 100% engaged in every moment then somehow I'm going to miss something. And somehow that missing something becomes synonymous with failure. If I choose to send my daughter to bed with a sad face when I don't linger over the 37th request for a hug and water then maybe tomorrow I will regret it because she may never ask for it again. If I don't find all the joy possible in today then I may regret it because I may not get tomorrow. If I choose to engage in "screen time" at a park then I might miss the 87- hundredth time my son climbs the wall and he will have to tell his therapist some day.

But, here's the thing ~ there is not a one of us who can sustain this kind of hyper-awareness. We are not perfect. We are going to miss things. We are going to have regrets. We are going to have failures. We might miss something of value. We know our children are growing / parents are aging / friends are moving / transitions are coming / death is certain someday.

We might just need to cut ourselves a freaking break.

I sincerely hope you don't hear judgement in this. Many of the leaders, authors, and bloggers who speak these truths are simply sharing what is on their hearts ~ often from a place of regret and honest change. Some of them I know personally and I know, that I know, that I KNOW! their heart isn't to communicate pressure.

But, in the off chance I'm not alone in these feelings, I wanted to speak up. I think there is room for a balanced view of these issues. There is a time and place for everything.

There is a time for one more hug, and a time to go to bed already.
There is a time for laser focus on a goal, and a time to keep the plan loose.
There is a time for to do lists, and a time those same lists start to own you.
There is a time for your children/spouse/employees/boss/parents to know your universe doesn't revolve around them because you are a wife/father/worker/friend/human being.

There is a time to hold on to this moment, and a time let it go because you can't hold it all.

There is a time for us to recognize it is impossible to be intentional about E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. in life. Living life is messy. Sometimes, it's a rainbow colored, kaleidoscope of beautiful messiness, and sometimes the mixed up colors look more like barf. It's called being human. There is a line with intentional living that is easy to cross. It can delude you into the feeling you have control over this messiness. That you can somehow manage time and from there live with no regrets and control the flow of your life.

But, lately I've been reminded of this:

Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
    don’t try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
    he’s the one who will keep you on track.
Don’t assume that you know it all.
   Proverbs 3:5-6

There is one relationship in which I want to be MOST intentional ~ my relationship with God. I believe He is the one who knows the length of our days, what's around the corner, and what is best for each of us. In seeking Him, I find peace. Some days that looks like making a meal plan and some days it looks like playing Scrabble. Sometimes I am led to call a friend and sometimes I write a quick email because calling them in the middle of the night is rude :). But, in this seeking, I also find grace. Because you know what? I mess up. I miss things. I yell. I cry. I realize I wasted time. But, His grace is sufficient because it's made perfect in my weakness, in my messiness, in my humanity.

His grace is sufficient for you too. 

If I help you remember this, will you return the favor? Sometimes I forget but I'd love if we could help each other be a little more gracious and supportive of each other and learn to be more kind to ourselves in the process :)

Intentional living has its place. Just remember to leave room for  grace.

A block for "me"

We are preparing to start our fifth year homeschooling.

It hardly seems possible to me. 

When we embarked on this journey, we carried the attitude of "taking it one year at a time" and to do it as long as we felt led to do so. Somewhere along the way, it became more permanent.

I know there are lots of thoughts, feelings, and opinions about homeschooling. If you are going to read much on my blog, you need to know that I believe homeschooling to be a wonderfully rich, rewarding, and viable educational choice. You also need to know that I fully understand homeschooling is not for every parent, child, family, or situation. I love living in a place where we retain the right to choose what works best for each of our families. I do my best to support and encourage others on this journey and welcome those same things in return.

You also need to know that our school is a work in progress.

I am a work in progress.

Every year as I evaluate the past and look towards the future I realize something new ~ something that needs to change. And, inevitably I'm surprised by the revelations.

One year I discovered I'd spent too much time feeling jealous and left out with friends because they were able to go to lunch in the middle of the day. I felt there was this entire world I was missing out on. My "a-ha moment" came when it dawned on me that I could do lunch in the middle of the week ~ on the day of the week my hubby was off (he has an atypical schedule ~ one of the reasons homeschooling does work for us). I could still participate. It just took a little more forethought and planning.  The world doesn't revolve around me and sometimes I just need to speak up and take some initiative. 

Lesson learned. Problem solved.

I am currently on day three of intense planning for the upcoming year. I have been giving my new planner a workout as we crystallize goals for the new year and make strategic plans. Tonight, as I was considering the best way to organize my weekly overview for school, I noticed a thought in the instruction part of the planner: "Put your own daily duties on the grid too" with an arrow drawn to a block in the sample with the word "me" written in. And, I was struck with this thought:

Put YOURSELF on the calendar.

Maybe I'm the only one out there who forgets to do this. Maybe I'm the only one who makes sure they consider meal plans, school schedules, work commitments, extracurricular activities, social engagements, birthdays, or any-stinking-thing else besides themselves.

But, I suspect I'm not.

I have a sneaking suspicion that if you are breathing while you are reading this, you have at some point forgotten to make a note of your own needs. I'm not talking about ignoring everyone else and living a selfish life. But, I am talking about taking care of yourself, acknowledging your needs, and valuing yourself as well as everyone else.

Can I encourage you as I encourage myself? Jesus says, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength. And... love your neighbor as yourself" Mark 12:30-31. If I am to effectively love and care for others, it is imperative that I first love God and then love and care for myself. 

I am learning. And, so can you.

Find a way to put your needs on the table. Maybe you want to exercise, or do a devotion, or write in a journal (or a blog), or meet a friend for coffee, or start a business, or get a facial, or - I don't know - have 10 minutes to inhale, exhale and remember who you are. It doesn't need to be a million things a day, just something to remind yourself you matter. Because friend, you DO matter.

If scheduling yourself in is what it takes to make yourself a priority, then do it! Let's put ourselves on our own checklists!

That's one box I'll be happy to mark as "completed" at the end of the day... How about you?

If you plant it, it will grow... or not!

I want to be a gardener. I really do.

It seems pretty intuitive ~ lay some dirt, dig some holes, plant some seeds or plants, water them, harvest food, enjoy some food you grew yourself and maybe have a little to put away for winter. Except, it doesn't work this way for me.

Ever.

For two years, we worked to establish a garden in the back of our yard. So. Much. Work. Shoveling, hauling, dumping, spreading, shoveling, hauling, dumping, spreading.... over and over again. The first year, out of everything planted, we got tomatoes. Just tomatoes. The second year, we got nothing. Nada. Zilch.

The next two years I didn't even bother. Oh, I wanted to. But, I couldn't bring myself to fight it. I realized the location wasn't right and moving the garden felt like too huge a task. It made me sad though. I felt like we were wasting an opportunity or missing out somehow.

This spring my hubby surprised me by building some new raised beds from scrap lumber in the garage. He knows that deep down I really want to make this work. Presented with this gesture from him, we set out to try again.

It was no easy task, but we relocated the garden to a sunnier spot. I researched companion planting. I made a planting grid that closely resembled a wedding reception seating chart ~ "Tomatoes don't like beans but they love peppers. Broccoli and cauliflower can be kind of picky but cucumbers love almost everyone." Once we had a plan, we planted the garden and let me tell you something ~

It. Looked. AMAZING!!! We were all so excited and I just knew THIS was going to be the year.

And then, the chipmunks arrived.

I'm pretty sure my children heard new (and maybe not completely appropriate) words because of those blasted creatures! The dug up every single seedling just before it broke through the surface. Every one. Except the radishes, thank you very much. The chipmunks and I went to war, and because I am higher on the food chain than they are, I came out on top.

Or so I thought.

We replanted and salvaged what we could and for a while I was lulled into thinking we had turned a corner with our garden. We had some salads with our own lettuce. The radishes went wild. Bean, cucumber, and pepper plants were growing and showing promising signs of great production. We even found one lone watermelon sprout that had escaped the seedling radar of the chipmunks.

And then, I found my first red, ripe tomato. I picked it feeling full of hope, promise, and accomplishment.  Until I saw the bite already taken out of the bottom of it. I turned around to throw it over our back fence and noticed another tomato already on the ground, half eaten. I started looking around my garden and noticed more half eaten food. Then I saw a chipmunk run back under the deck.

#*&$^#*#*$&#*$!!!!!

When we planted the garden this year, we prayed and asked God to teach us more about life and our relationship with Him through our experience. That prayer has definitely been answered. Now that you know the beginning of the story, I would love to share some of those lessons with you in future posts.

In the meantime, you can find me supporting our local farmers at the farmer's markets. Apparently, I've been feeding all the chipmunks over here so their crops can grow in abundance!

“Build homes, and plan to stay. Plant gardens, and eat the food they produce." Jeremiah 29:5

When the day isn't pretty...

I hate when people complain online.

On the other hand, blogs that only post the happy / inspiring / uplifting / picture perfect stuff drives me nuts.

I prefer the "eclectic blogger". And, my favorite is when they help me realize I'm normal.

Today, my sweet boy karate chopped my recovering surgery thumb while I was trying to help him put on his shoe after swim lessons. Apparently, he didn't like that while putting on said shoe I joked "Here you go Cinderella ~ let me put on your pretty slipper"... He thought it was funny for a nano-second and then he decided he didn't like it. His dad told him that it was never ok to hit me. But later, after the kids were in bed, his dad also told me not to tease our son.

Point taken.

I feel a little bad my boy thought I was teasing him. But, in my defense, I may or may not find myself wanting to resort to the behavior of a 3 year old these days. My kids are sick of each other, sick of the house, and sick of the same old same old. And, their preferred mode of communicating these feelings is to pick a fight with each other over anything and everything. It's making me bat-you know what-crazy. Cray-Cray. Totes cray-cray. I won't bore you with the details. They are really irrelevant anyway. Whatever one says, the other says the opposite. They each know the right buttons to push and they do ~ All. Day. Long.

I am an only child so this dynamic is new to me. Trust me, my family is it's own brand of crazy but my stuffed animals never did things on purpose just to torture me. All those years I wished I had a brother or sister? Yeah, I didn't miss being annoyed.

I wish I had some big revelation or take away ~ but some days all you can do is just survive. I'm happy to report that by the time everyone went to bed, apologies were made, forgiveness was given, hugs and love prevailed and everyone under the age of 10 looks adorable to me again.

Tomorrow, we try again.

May the force be with us all.


"The faithful love of the Lord never ends. His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning."
Lamentations 3:22-23

Jules ~ #OneThingWednesday

I want to talk to you about friendship.

The that kind makes you a better person,  makes you wonder what your life would look like had that friendship never happened, and makes you grateful you took a chance.

I want to talk to you about Jules.

When I was younger, the romantic in me believed pivotal moments were presented with great fanfare ~ a grand gesture, declaration, drama... something that would mark the significance.

As I get older, the realist in me has learned the moments that change my life often come wrapped up in the ordinary. And most times, the true significance can't be seen until years later.

When I met her, it was such an average Sunday. Albeit, I was in a new church and had finally worked up the courage to check out the "young adults" group. Frankly, it was intimidating because they had all pretty much grown up together and I was the "outsider". Yeah, it shouldn't' be like that in a church, but that's a post for another day. She was in that group and I met her that first day.

We became fast friends. The timing was just perfect because my parents were preparing to move out of state and I needed to find an apartment. She was looking to make a change in her life and we decided to take the leap to become roommates. People kind of thought we were crazy because we really hardly knew each other. But, we were convinced God had opened a door for us and we ran right through it!

And wow, what an adventure!!!!

We roomed together through college, boyfriends, fights, losing jobs, getting new jobs, losing friends, making new friends, missions trips, surprise birthday parties, burned pop tarts, speeding tickets, singing lessons, new apartments, other roommates, psycho landlords, youth leadership, being pranked, late night talks, restaurant runs paid for with money found in the couch, the Chris Farley era of SNL, countless movies, breakdowns, breakups, laughter, tears, joys and sorrows.

Somewhere along the way, she became my family.

That didn't change when we moved into places of our own, got new jobs, and started spreading our wings in the great city in which we lived. Life changed around us, but no matter the day, comfort could be found at one another's kitchen table or couch (or a reeaalllllly long drive). For over a decade, we were blessed with the constant, physical presence of intersecting lives.

But, as it often goes in life, the last few years have seen the type of  changes for each of us that sent our lives in opposite directions. God has our lives on different paths in different cities. Even though they are blessings, marriage, kids, and moving have a way of causing our path to twist and turn. But, among the people I hold dearest in my heart, she is quite near the top.

I have come to believe that God allowed us that time to grow up together so that we would be able to journey in the next chapter of our lives stronger, more confident, and more complete than if we had done that alone.

I also believe that true friendship can never be broken~ regardless of time, distance, circumstances or life. Once someone is written on your heart, they can never be erased.

Today is her birthday. So, I celebrate her. And, all that she is, all God is doing in her life, and all that she means to me.

I told you guys in the beginning this blog was to journey through my healing and to encourage you in yours. Whatever that means. Healing isn't just about the physical changes we make to reach a goal. I plan to continue drinking my water, but for each day this week, I will consciously stop to be grateful for a specific person who has journeyed with me. Without them, I would not be who I am today. I have found great healing and freedom in focusing on my blessings instead of my trials. That is my #OneThing. I challenge you again to find something, anything, that encourages you to reach beyond where you are right this very minute to become more of who you were made to be.

Today I'm grateful for Jules. Happy birthday, dear friend!

Reflections ~ #MindfulMotheringMondays

"Look at the reflection of the trees, mom. When regular trees reflect, they look like weeping willows. But, when weeping willows reflect, they look like regular trees".

My son and I went on a date Saturday afternoon. Older sis was at a birthday party so he and I had some time to ourselves. We checked out an open house at a new kids art "studio" and then headed to a favorite park to do some nature hiking. 

Nature hikes are among our favorite things to do together. He likes them because, at heart, he is an explorer. He has great instincts and an awesome sense of direction. He also notices EVERYTHING and remembers what he sees, so he can be trusted when you say "which way should we go?".

I like them because we have the best talks while surrounded by trees.

Somewhere among the dirt, lakes, snapping turtles and sticks, my boy always reveals another part of himself just brewing under the surface. And those revelations always slightly shift my perspective.

I could get all philosophical and interpret tons of meaning into his reflection statement. But, I won't. Because what he said wasn't what almost made me cry. 

It was the fact that he said it.

If you were to rewind 3 years, you would have found a much different boy. Speech hasn't come easily for him. First, up until he was about 3, he lived with a significant amount of fluid on his ears that went undetected. He never had high temps and grew used to the sound so he thought it was normal. Second, once the ear situation was corrected, we realized how significantly his language had been altered. Third, speech therapy began and the uphill fight for relearning basics commenced. 

If I'm being honest, it was brutal. I know it was awful for him because he KNEW people couldn't understand him well. This affected his self esteem and confidence so significantly that he just wouldn't talk to people. He got to the point that he wouldn't even try. You could see it on his face ~ that "why bother" look. It was awful for me because, well, I'm his mom, I love him, and every parent just wants their kid to know they can do it. And, let's face it, people can be pretty judgmental. It drove me crazy. I felt like people couldn't see my amazing kid because he had a challenge.

But, somewhere along the way, things started turning around. All the hard sessions, the tears, the redirection, the encouragement, the LISTENING; they all wove together to bring us to today.

When my sweet boy went to camp this year, they gave him the character award of  Bold ~ because he "isn't afraid to speak his mind and tell you what he wants" (according to his counselor). 

He still has tough spots with his speech. R's still need work and when he gets really excited he forgets again that he needs to say all the parts of the words with breaths in between the words. But, he speaks. With confidence. To strangers. To friends. To his sister and dad. 

To me.

My mama's heart will never take those words for granted. Every one of them is precious to me. Every time he can tell me what is going on inside of his mind and heart, it changes me. 

I pray he keeps right on telling me.

And, I pray that I listen.

Linking up with Lydia over at Small Town Simplicity for Mindful Mothering Mondays. If you'd like to join in, grab the graphic and link up!

That one thing... #OneThingWednesday

Let's face it, there are about a kazillion ideas out there on how to be healthy.

I know people who are:

• going to a physician monitored weight loss company
• vegetarians
• vegan
• gluten-free
• follow a "points based plan"
• Paleo-ites
• on the other side of a weight loss surgery
• juicing
• eating only raw foods
• eating only natural and / or organic foods

This list can go on, can't it? Everyone I know who subscribes to each option can tell me all the reasons why it works for them. And, it is overwhelming ~ especially to a perfectionist like me. I spend so much time researching options. I have given hours (probably more like weeks or months!) of my life in pursuit of the BEST choice for optimal health. All this does is paralyze me. I become so overwhelmed by all the ideas that I make no change for fear of doing something wrong.

It's not rocket science, folks. Calories in < calories burned = weight loss.

Yes, you need to be healthy in the process. I'm not talking about the extremes of this equation (bulemia, anorexia, unbalanced caloric intake, etc). I'm just talking about good, old fashioned common sense.

Here's what I believe. God made our bodies with a daily budget of needs. He created us to need vitamins, minerals, nutrients, water, calories, protein, carbohydrates, fat, exercise, and daily time with Him. And, he created us to need these again tomorrow, and the day after that, and so on. Anything on this list, taken in extreme, will set our hearts, minds, and bodies out of balance. 

I also believe that positive, lasting healing happens one choice at a time. 

So, here's my challenge to myself and to all of you. Every week, let's identify the One Thing we can do to make a positive change. It doesn't matter if it is physical, spiritual, mental, or emotional. All of those areas are important, but it the rare person who can tackle them all at once.

I would encourage you to keep track of your commitments. 

Seeing progress is a powerful motivator ~ especially if you feel you have a big mountain to climb. 

I will be posting mine and keeping track here. It's my accountability. I would love to support you as well.

My one thing for this week is water/hydration. I am aiming for 75-80 ounces / day of water or green tea. I have been doing this for a week and am down 6 pounds. Clearly I was massively dehydrated and my body was holding onto any liquid it could find. I am continuing to work on this for the upcoming week.

Come on, join in!

What's your ONE THING?

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit them together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! It is amazing to think about. Your workmanship is marvelous—and how well I know it. Psalm 139:13-14 TLB