Healing

"This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark"

           ~Tenth Avenue North

Last night at the gym, this song came up on my playlist. I almost skipped it. The cadence was too slow to match my elliptical steps. But, I love this song so I let it play.

I'm glad I did.

This song speaks to me on many levels ~ emotional, spiritual, and mental. But last night I realized something. Getting into physical shape is also a process of healing. I am still fleshing out what that really means but I see progress in small increments as I go.

My body is sick. I've neglected it. I've abused it. I've put the wrong things into it and expected perfection to come out. Insanity.

But, slowly it is healing.

I don't crave sugar as much as before.

I'm sleeping deeply and peacefully.

I am satisfied with MUCH less food.

After a workout I don't hurt quite as much.

I go back to the gym. Again. And again.

I have been pushing my body past the point of ease ~ breaking down those walls if you will. I am not obsessing, I am just working hard. And it feels good.

The outward change hasn't begun (at least as far as I can tell) so I have to remind myself of these smaller steps of healing. And the joy that comes from losing some of the chains that have held me for far too long.

Here is the song in its entirety. If you have something that has held you (or you hold onto and can't let go), let these words sink in... Let the healing begin.

"Healing Begins"
So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear

So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now, oh

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark 

~Tenth Avenue North

Well, I looked and it's been since 2010 when I used this blog. For someone who loves to write, that is sad.

Pathetic actually.

But, I'm baaacccckkkkkk :-)

I am still on the journey. I titled the blog "On the Journey" because I've learned that life affords us different journeys during different seasons. I wanted the freedom to explore whatever journey was in front of me at the time.

For the last year, I have been on a journey to simplify my life and my schedule. I try to do too much. I always have. I try to please too many people. I used to try to please people out of insecurity. These days I try to please them because I deeply, genuinely care for others. But, in doing so I have often neglected those people and things that deserve and demand the best of me. I have neglected quality time with my kids, quality time with my spouse, and most glaringly quality time taking care of myself.

While working to simplify, God took me to a place of acceptance of how He made me and why I have some of the struggles I do ~ namely, my physical body. I learned that the scale is just an inanimate number that is simply a reflection of my choices. It isn't a definer of my worth as an individual. I also learned that God gave me a body that accurately reflects my choices. I used to get angry at the people I saw who could eat all sorts of crap and still look amazing and wonder "why can't I do that". But God, in His great love for me, knew that this supreme struggle of my life was about what I chose to fill my emptiness and frustration and longing with. And He knew that only by making my body as one that reflected outwardly the inward choices I made, would I ever seek freedom and healing from HIM alone.

I achieved a fit body once. I worked by behind off to get it. I counted points, counted exercise, spent countless hours researching the newest "healthy eating" options, preached, lauded, became arrogant and showy, and took every single ounce of the glory of that accomplishment.

But, here's the thing about thinking you do it all alone. You do. And, when the first rocky patch comes along, having learned to trust and depend solely on yourself finds you, ironically, alone. And, when you are alone, you are vulnerable. And that, my friends, is how I gained back every ounce I worked so long to lose and lived in paranoia of coming back.

And, that is why I'm not going it alone this time.

First and foremost, I have the support and grace of the ONE who is most important to me. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" (Phil 4:13). I am learning, day by day, that the source of all I do is greater than myself. This time, I want to please HIM. I want to know that I am honoring this body He gave to me. That I am treating it with the respect it deserves. That I am being faithful and not taking it for granted.

I also know I have the support of my family and friends. You know who you are. I love you. You may appear on the pages of this blog. Forgive me in advance :)

And, I'm reaching into the bloggesphere with minimal expectations other than a place to park all the thoughts and feelings as I go. There is a supreme connection for me between writing and clarity. Between writing and action.

So, if you choose to journey with me, thank you. I hope we can encourage each other.

"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor; if either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken" Ecc 4: 9-12

Thanks for being part of my cord.

Riding Update

Greetings from 2/3 of the way through our 10% tour!

I intended to blog almost every day but adding 1-1 1/2 hours of biking to my life every day has proven to be a bit of an adjustment. Most days we can complete the "required" mileage in around an hour. But, in order to keep it fun for the 2 & 5 year olds, we tend to break up the ride. We ride the furthest on our way to a park, have a play stop, then bike the rest of the way home. I'm not complaining about this. I want this experience to be a positive one for all of us. And, I'll admit that in the beginning, there were a few days that I had my doubts as to whether or not it would be positive for me :)

But, I have to say, I am AMAZED at how my strength and endurance has increased over the course of the last 18 days. Let me give you an example.

Four days into our journey, I mapped out a 13 mile route. My husband introduced me to this cool website mapmyrun.com. You can chart your route and it will tell you how far you are traveling. It will also show you the elevation changes of your route. I didn't know about this feature on day four. But, when my husband got off work, I had the kids all set and we were ready to go. I was fine for the first mile. The second mile got a little harder, but I was still making it. Then came mile three. I was on a road which I had driven often. Unfortunately, I never noticed it was a hilly road. There are a few words that come to mind when I think of that third mile that day: hyperventilate, embarrassed, hyperventilate, out of shape, hyperventilate, struggle ~ you get the idea. As I approached the top of the hill pulling the tag-a-long, I barely made it to the side of the road where it took me about 3-5 minutes of concentrated breathing to bring my heartrate and breathing somewhere in the vacinity of "normal". It. Was. Bad. Very bad. The only positives in my mind were that I didn't stop at mile 3 (we continued on to complete 11 miles that day) and that there was nowhere to go from there but up.

Now, let me tell you about today.

The kids were not horribly interested in riding with us today. So, I took my turn first. As I set out, I decided that I was going to tackle the "Day 4 ride". Now, there are a few things that have changed for me. First, I no longer think that 10+ mile rides sound "long". Second, I can still feel my butt and legs when the rides are over. Third, I am now consistently riding on the "big front gear" on my bike. I started this "tour" only being able to manage on the middle front gear but the last few days, I've been able to move up to the big gear and not die. So, my logic was that if I got into trouble on this "Day 4" ride, I had a middle gear range AND a small gear range that I could move through. So, off I went.

And, guess what. I made it to mile three! And, guess what else? I didn't stop! And, what else you ask? I completed FOURTEEN+ miles for the day. Did I mention I didn't stop? Not only did I conquer "Day4", I blew it out of the water. And, I only had to drop to the middle gear for the very hardest part of mile 3 and then right back into the big gear for the rest of the ride.

YEEESSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!

Riding

Anyone that knows my family well, knows that my husband loves cycling. Passionately loves cycling. Like, his bike is worth more than the car that it is sometimes attached to for travel purposes. When we first met, he told me he loved biking. I was thinking bikes with motors. I had NO IDEA about the world of professional cycling.

I grew up with a bicycle in my house. A Schwinn I believe. I have scars on my knees and elbows from falling so there is proof that I rode my bike :). I was what one might consider a "recreational cyclist" at best. I remember my dad buying a matching red bike so he and I could ride together. First time my dad took it out, a moving car decided it was going to force him onto the side of the road. Unfortunately, there was a parked car there and dad went flying over the handlebars when his bike hit the parked car. His arms and legs were mangled and his bike was worse. It hung in the garage for the rest of it's bike life and dad decided to stick to bikes with gasoline. After that, I didn't ride much at all and eventually I outgrew that bike and moved on with life.

So, imagine my surprise to find out there were bikes that cost more than $250. Significantly more. And, then imagine my surprise to find out there were people, cool people, who rode their bikes for more than delivering newspapers. When Dan and I met, my eyes were opened to a whole new world of biking. He had THREE bikes. Three GOOD bikes. Two that were moderately priced and one that he was building a piece at a time because he couldn't afford to buy it completed. I was just adjusting to this perception shift in biking when the first Tour de France of our relationship started.

I remember the first time I watched the tour. I fell asleep. I tried, really I did. But, come on  ~ people riding bikes for 4-5 hours??? Riding BIKES????  No touchdown passes, no goals, no three pointers, no ACTION??? How is one supposed to watch this and why???? But then Dan began explaining the sport to me. How every stage is different. How there are multiple competitions going on within the main race. How FAR they ride and for how LONG. How high those mountain stages really are. And, the thing that finally sucked me in was, of course, the drama. If I can't get behind the technicalities of the sport, tell me the history of the players and their life stories and , BAM, I'm in! Enter Lance Armstrong and Jan Ullrich (pronounced Yon Ul-rick). Just the fact that I didn't have to spell check his name is testiment to the fact that I loved their drama.

Since that first year I've learned to like biking more and more. Or, at least I appreciate it on a level that allows me to understand my husband's lifelong love. And, I've accumulated some "equipment" of my own. He bought me a Trek mountain bike as a wedding present. He made us hold out to save enough money to buy a Burley bike trailer when our first child was born. And, when she was too big for that and we needed the trailer for the youngest, he told me to wait to buy a tag a long until we could afford a "good one". We found a fantastic deal on a Trek Tag-a-long. He convinced me that if we would wait and buy quality we would enjoy the experience so much more. He was so right. The equipment is lighter, it handles better and I'm doing things I never thought before I'd do. Like ride with two kids attached ~ the tag-a-long first then the bike trailer attached to that!

So, the other day I got an idea. I proposed that we ride alongside the Tour de France right here at home. But, to make it attainable, I suggested a "10% Tour". So, each day we are riding 10% of the total distance of the peloton in the Tour de France (for those of you like me ~ the peloton is the fancy French way of saying "the group of riders"). Today we only have to do 0.5 miles but Dan rode over 10 miles to work and I'm getting ready to take the "Mommy bicycle train" on a 5 mile loop. By the time it's over three weeks from now, we should have logged over 250 miles...

Stay tuned.

I think I've come a long way :)

Progress

I got to play the piano today.

Profound, huh?

One of my friends has been hosting Vacation Bible School in her house for our mom's group kids. I got the super fun job of leading music. I loved it!!!!! Leading music at VBS is something that I did every summer for about 10+ years ~ sometimes more than once a summer. I always loved watching the songs become a part of the kids. They don't care if you're on key (although I did give my best effort at that), they don't care if you're hair is falling down (although I did try and keep it out of my face). They only care about having fun and the absolute JOY that comes from singing and dancing.

Since today was the last day, we took a "field trip". We went to visit a "memory support group" at a local retirement village. We took flower vases to the members and the kids got to sing some songs for them. They were freaking rock stars!!! I was sooo proud of them ~ they sang with huge smiles on their faces and brought so many smiles to the members of the group. It was awesome to hear them sing about Jesus and show the love to others that we've been talking about all week. Better yet, my 5 year old daughter was in that singing group. It's one thing to pour your heart into children and watch the light come on. It's so different when it's your own. She still makes my heart smile thinking about it :)

So, back to the piano. As I've been leading music this week, a piano has been directly behind me the entire time. It was calling me :) I grew up with one in my house. I took lessons. I played at church - a lot. I've played for weddings and other various events. But, I have to admit, I think I'm a bit rusty... That happens doesn't it? I haven't actively played for several years. I don't have a piano at home and it's hard to find one to just "visit".

But, there's this song I wrote. Man, do I love it! It just came to me one day several years ago. It doesn't have a title. It doesn't have words. But, it makes me happy because it's pretty and it came from deep in my heart.

The last time I passed a piano at which I could linger was about a year ago. As is my custom, I started to play "my song". I like to do this periodically just to prove I still "have it". :) lol. The problem was, I faltered halfway through the song and couldn't regain the correct progression. I forgot "my song". Man, did that suck...

I kind of feel like that in a lot of areas. Like I've lost the "progression". I hear myself say "I used to do this, or I used to do that"... Some of those I'm ok to leave in the past. Many I'm not. It's hard to merge the life I lived ten years ago with the one I live now. In so many ways, my life is fuller ~ thanks to my husband and kids. But, I want to find some of those lost progressions. Those things that make me uniquely me. The parts of my heart and soul that aren't defined by the titles of wife or mom.

I think we're getting there.

Today, I played my song.

The start

So, I'm a writer ~ at least I aspire to be... I've been published one time. One poem that I entered into a contest online. I remember when I received the notification in the mail saying my writing was chosen. I didn't believe them. Then, a few days later I received the proof to review. I still have that. Good thing. After I proofed it and signed my rights away I learned that in order to have the book in which my poem was published, I needed to spend $49.95. I was not happy. Perhaps that's an understatement. But, I learned an important lesson ~ read the fine print!

Since then, I've hit a bit of a dry spell. Life is busy. The demands of children and family are great. But still, words and ideas bounce around in my head. That's why I'm here. I want to speak. I want to be heard. Sometimes as a mommy, sometimes as a wife, sometimes as a Christ-follower, sometimes as a homeschooling family, sometimes as a friend, but, at all times, as myself.

I'm not sure where this journey will take me but you're welcome to come along for the ride....