A couple of years ago I KNEW God was telling me it was time to get serious about my health. I assumed that meant diving head first into a diet and fitness plan because that is what I had always done. So, I did.
Except, it "failed".
I started with great gusto and had marginal success. But, then I got in my own way and ended up exactly where I began ~ with a little "buffer".
Just as I began to internalize this as just another indication of "failure" (unfortunately this wasn't my first go around with this process), a lifeline came my way.
I found this little book called Made to Crave, by Lysa Terkeurst. The basic premise is that we were all made to crave something ~~ God ~~ but we all have the tendency to fill that craving with something, anything, else. For some of us, we spend much time trying to fill up this hole with food. We turn to food when we are bored, lonely, frustrated, angry, happy, celebratory, relaxing, awake, and sometimes even when we are asleep! :) People of all shapes and sizes do this ~ not just those of us who are "fluffy". The book takes you on a journey to learn to recognize God in your life and invite Him into this journey we are on with food.
Where did I find this book? On my own bookshelf!!
At some point I read some positive reviews about it and picked it up on sale. I started reading it, thought it was hooey (this was somewhere during my "marginal success") and put it on my bookshelf. I'm sure I said something to myself like "this is ridiculous! What does God have to do with eating anyway. I'm going to the gym!" But, after the latest "failure", I was sick and tired of feeling such defeat and self condemnation. I was so tired of the victory/defeat cycle. I was just plain 'ole done.
Sometimes you have to come to the end of yourself in order to figure out you really don't know it all. (or, is that just me?).
This is where the journey of actual, real, lasting healing began for me. And, let me tell you, it is a winding road.
I wish it were straighter. I wish it were more like "Here's point A, you have 4 checkpoints to pass ~ see them up ahead ~ and then you will arrive at point B in exactly 123.5 days. It's that flag up there that says "B", you can see it from here!". That is what conventional dieting "wisdom" will say.
Step 1) Find a plan
Step 2) Set a long term goal
Step 3) Set some mini goals along the way
Step 4) Follow the plan to the goal.
But, anyone with a food "issue" will tell you it is nothing like this. Nothing at all.
Oh, we can be deceived into thinking it will be straight. That we have ultimate control over our timeline and if we just possess enough will power and determination we can overcome. And, while will power and determination have their place, I'm here to tell you, they are fleeting. If there isn't something more,something deeper, then the first setback or trial will send you off track. Trust me, I know this.
So, why am I telling you this story? Because I need to.
You see, I've had another set back. As a result of a seemingly insignificant accident, I have found myself in a domino series of events that has wrecked havoc on my body and lifestyle and I feel horribly out of shape from being sedentary during recovery after not being "in shape" at the time of the accident. Up until this point, I have always had something of myself "left in reserve". Some form of my own determination. My own gumption. My own "you can push through anything" attitude. My own "you can always pick up and go for a run, walk, bike ride, weight training and just. do. it" attitude. Except right now, I physically can't ~ I'm recovering.
I will though. Eventually. And, here is how I know.
Because I have learned that I'm not alone and that there is a Strength greater than my own. I have learned that Someone loves me unconditionally and wants to be the strength of my life. I've learned that I don't have to know all the answers to know the Answer. And, I've learned that where I am Right. Now. will never be visited again.
This moment will pass. My body will heal. I will return to "regular life" and I know that strength will come. But, I've learned that healing is, as everyone tries to tell you, a process. So. Much. Happens where you can't see it ~ under the surface. A great friend once told me "the food is the last to go ~ it's the last step in the process, NOT the first." It didn't make sense when she said it. But, it does now. So much has happened inside of me that no one can see (except God). I know this is true because I am willing to write in my vulnerability, not my strength. I'm willing to write when I've made unhealthy, emotionally reactive choices in my food over the last month. I'm willing to write because I KNOW that a year ago I would have responded differently. I would have seen a number on a scale and immediately believed I was a failure and punished my body as a result ~ by binge eating, binge exercise, binge self condemnation, binge _____ (fill in the blank).
But, I'm not the same person I was a year ago. Not on the inside where it counts. And, I believe that this internal change will reap results the outside world will see. But, I think part of my healing is bringing the inside struggles and healing to light.
I think I just found my purpose in writing ~ for now. I may throw other stuff in at times, but I need a place to process this process. To pull the thoughts and feelings from inside me in order for them all to be put in their proper place. I invite you to join me. If you do, though, please be kind.
It's not easy to put it out there.
But, I'm not trying to impress you. I'm just inviting you in my bubble.
Maybe my journey can encourage you in your own.
No comments:
Post a Comment