Before... #MindfulMotheringMondays

I am so excited to do my first link up to my friend Lydia's blog! (Look at THAT, I actually made a LINK in my blog ~ lol)

Every Monday, Lydia invites mamas along on this journey for some encouragement, camaraderie, or just a mental sanity break (cause who doesn't need that!!). I've been a stalker on this idea for quite some time but since I put my blog "back in action", I plan to do some link ups with some of my favorite bloggers. Mondays will most often find me linking up with her :)

This time ten years ago, I think I was finally coming to terms with the fact that I was pregnant. Very few people know (because it's just not something to shout from the rooftops) that I was devastated and freaked out when I found out we were pregnant with our first child. I really want that part of my story to be different. But, those who know me best would know I was a liar if I tried to tell you differently and, well, I'm not a liar.

My husband and I had only been married 3 months after a dating long distance (like, 3 states apart) for the majority of our 2 1/2 years together. I had dreams of long hikes in the mountains, meals at the end of a long day, conquering all of the roller blade trails Tennessee had to offer (where we lived at the time), traveling together, leisurely days off, entertaining friends..... I could go on. It wasn't like kids weren't in our plans for our family life. It's just that kids weren't anywhere in the vicinity of being on our radar screen.

At. All.

Period.

But, God had other plans.

Sure, I always wanted kids. I'd been "playing mom" for as long as I could remember ~ first my stuffed animals and dolls, then neighbor kids, then babysitting, followed by any form of volunteering with children you can think of, and capped off with a Bachelor's Degree in Family Relations and Human Development with a specialty in Child and Family Studies. I lived and breathed children. Everyone else's children.

The IDEA of having my own was appealing. The REALITY of it was terrifying.

That is so often how things are. Ideas sounds great. Reality can slap you upside the head, turn your world upside down, spin you around a few times, and leave you wondering what just happened and if anything will be right side up again.

On the other hand, reality can also make your world right where you never knew it was wrong.

I had no idea what I was missing.

Before.

Before feeling my baby girl move inside me.

Before hearing her cry for the first time.

Before seeing my strong husband cry at the sight of her as he named her after his mom.

Before watching her eyes light up when I walked into a room.

Before hearing the word "mom" directed at me.

Before messy, paint covered hands created a masterpiece and then reached for my face.

Before I heard her pray for the first time.

Before I watched her hold her baby brother.

Before she learned to slip her hand into mine (she still does!)

Before she made me laugh.

Before she learned to laugh with me.

Before she became my friend.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a future and a hope" Jeremiah 29:11

I am forever grateful that SHE is part of God's plan for me.

If you want to join in on the linkup, just visit Lydia's page, grab the graphic and post a link to your blog in her comments. While you're there, visit her blog. You won't be sorry you did :)

Maxi skirts

Why have I never owned one of these magical pieces of clothing before the age of 42?!?!

Seriously.

I can tell you two reasons. One I can control and the other I can't.

First, what I can't control. The price. I never understood how an few pieces of fabric, cut a-symmetrically, and sewn together could cost so dang much. I know how to sew. Pretty well I might add. So, I've always told myself  "I can make that for so much less!".

Second, what I CAN control. I think thought they made me look like the side of a barn.

Guess what?!?!?!? They don't!

You know why?

I'm a PERSON, not the side of a barn!!

I know, right?!?!? Your mind is blown, isn't it? First you were reading my blog, and then your mind blew apart. You thought the side of a barn was writing this.

Go ahead ~ admit it.

You know I'm kidding, right?!?!?!

But, here's the thing~

We tell ourselves all sorts of junk. Everyday. All day. We fill our heads full of so many lies and then we water those lies. Heck, we pour crap loads of manure (pun intended) over those lies and they grow deep and strong. Just like weeds.

You want to know a secret? Weeds don't need any help to grow.

How about another secret? When productive plants grow large enough, there isn't enough light for the weeds. They either die, or they grow small and slowly enough they are easily pulled out.

Be careful what you cultivate.

I went shopping the other day with a friend and found a maxi skirt on clearance. I briefly wondered if I were crazy to try it on. But, I've been trying to water the productive "plants" in my life instead of the weeds, so I did it. I took the plunge. And, it felt amazing!!

It still does!

It didn't hurt that the price was finally right.

Maybe God knew I was finally ready to rip out that weed.

I'm not looking for easy....

Have you seen the movie Soul Surfer?

If you haven't, it's based on the life of surfer Bethany Hamilton who lost an arm in a shark attack during one of her training sessions. At the time of her accident, she was a quickly rising surfing star. The world was her oyster and she was looking to be a shoe-in for championships. The movie is about her battle back after the shark attack. After her recovery period, some surfing setbacks, and some personal growth (for more details, just see the movie people ~ it's a good one!) she decides, once and for all, that she would reenter competitive surfing ~ with one arm. At this point she has a conversation with her dad to ask for his help.

"It won't be easy", her dad states.

To which she replies ~ "I'm not looking for easy. I'm just looking for possible!".

Today, I liked being reminded that I can handle hard when I know it's possible.

I wanted to remind you too.

You are beautiful!!!

I absolutely, positively, LOVE this!!!!!

I wish I could reach through the screen and say this to your face.

But, it's also just as important that I can say it to MY face.

I don't know about you, but sometimes I have a hard time being nice to myself.

Let's be kind to ourselves today.

YOU are beautiful!!!

A wake up call

A couple of years ago I KNEW God was telling me it was time to get serious about my health. I assumed that meant diving head first into a diet and fitness plan because that is what I had always done. So, I did.

Except, it "failed".

I started with great gusto and had marginal success. But, then I got in my own way and ended up exactly where I began ~ with a little "buffer".

Just as I began to internalize this as just another indication of "failure" (unfortunately this wasn't my first go around with this process), a lifeline came my way.

I found this little book called Made to Crave, by Lysa Terkeurst. The basic premise is that we were all made to crave something ~~ God ~~ but we all have the tendency to fill that craving with something, anything, else. For some of us, we spend much time trying to fill up this hole with food. We turn to food when we are bored, lonely, frustrated, angry, happy, celebratory, relaxing, awake, and sometimes even when we are asleep! :) People of all shapes and sizes do this ~ not just those of us who are "fluffy". The book takes you on a journey to learn to recognize God in your life and invite Him into this journey we are on with food.

Where did I find this book? On my own bookshelf!!

At some point I read some positive reviews about it and picked it up on sale. I started reading it, thought it was hooey (this was somewhere during my "marginal success") and put it on my bookshelf. I'm sure I said something to myself like "this is ridiculous! What does God have to do with eating anyway. I'm going to the gym!" But, after the latest "failure", I was sick and tired of feeling such defeat and self condemnation. I was so tired of the victory/defeat cycle. I was just plain 'ole done.

Sometimes you have to come to the end of yourself in order to figure out you really don't know it all. (or, is that just me?).

This is where the journey of actual, real, lasting healing began for me. And, let me tell you, it is a winding road.

I wish it were straighter. I wish it were more like "Here's point A, you have 4 checkpoints to pass ~ see them up ahead ~ and then you will arrive at point B in exactly 123.5 days. It's that flag up there that says "B", you can see it from here!". That is what conventional dieting "wisdom" will say.

Step 1) Find a plan
Step 2) Set a long term goal
Step 3) Set some mini goals along the way
Step 4) Follow the plan to the goal.

But, anyone with a food "issue" will tell you it is nothing like this. Nothing at all.

Oh, we can be deceived into thinking it will be straight. That we have ultimate control over our timeline and if we just possess enough will power and determination we can overcome. And, while will power and determination have their place, I'm here to tell you, they are fleeting. If there isn't something more,something deeper,  then the first setback or trial will send you off track. Trust me, I know this.

So, why am I telling you this story? Because I need to.

You see, I've had another set back. As a result of a seemingly insignificant accident, I have found myself in a domino series of events that has wrecked havoc on my body and lifestyle and I feel horribly out of shape from being sedentary during recovery after not being "in shape" at the time of the accident. Up until this point, I have always had something of myself "left in reserve". Some form of my own determination. My own gumption. My own "you can push through anything" attitude. My own "you can always pick up and go for a run, walk, bike ride, weight training and just. do. it" attitude. Except right now, I physically can't ~ I'm recovering.

I will though. Eventually. And, here is how I know.

Because I have learned that I'm not alone and that there is a Strength greater than my own. I have learned that Someone loves me unconditionally and wants to be the strength of my life. I've learned that I don't have to know all the answers to know the Answer. And, I've learned that where I am Right. Now. will never be visited again.

This moment will pass. My body will heal. I will return to "regular life" and I know that strength will come. But, I've learned that healing is, as everyone tries to tell you, a process. So. Much. Happens where you can't see it ~ under the surface. A great friend once told me "the food is the last to go ~ it's the last step in the process, NOT the first." It didn't make sense when she said it. But, it does now. So much has happened inside of me that no one can see (except God). I know this is true because I am willing to write in my vulnerability, not my strength. I'm willing to write when I've made unhealthy, emotionally reactive choices in my food over the last month. I'm willing to write because I KNOW that a year ago I would have responded differently. I would have seen a number on a scale and immediately believed I was a failure and punished my body as a result ~ by binge eating, binge exercise, binge self condemnation, binge _____ (fill in the blank).

But, I'm not the same person I was a year ago. Not on the inside where it counts. And, I believe that this internal change will reap results the outside world will see. But, I think part of my healing is bringing the inside struggles and healing to light.

I think I just found my purpose in writing ~ for now. I may throw other stuff in at times, but I need a place to process this process. To pull the thoughts and feelings from inside me in order for them all to be put in their proper place. I invite you to join me. If you do, though, please be kind.

It's not easy to put it out there.

But, I'm not trying to impress you. I'm just inviting you in my bubble.

Maybe my journey can encourage you in your own.

Breaking the silence

Almost a year ~ 

That's how long since I've done anything here. 

Do you ever feel like you have so much to say and yet you can't find the words to say any of it?

Yeah, me either.

I'm still searching for words. And, hoping they come.

Because for some reason, I think I'm supposed to write. 

If not for you, then definitely for me.

New Discoveries

I love when I learn something new!

I love it even more when it makes my life easier :)

I learned today that Hydrogen Peroxide is magic. Pure magic in a brown bottle.

When we bought our house, it was carpeted in beige. It still is. Well, beige + extras. We have two kids people ~ one 5 and one 8. Things get spilled. A lot.

Listen to me ~ blaming the kids ;). Truth be told I spill just as much as them.

I try to clean it up. I really do. But, there is usually something left behind to remind me.

Then, last night our dog got sick off of cheap, generic dog treats. The kind of sick that doesn't need details or you may not read my blog again. But, let's just say that our marginal carpet was suddenly horrible. It was with Herculean self-control that I didn't just rip up the entire mess of carpet before hubby got home from work.

Then I remembered a friend told me about a hydrogen peroxide mixture for spot cleaning. I looked it up and there it was! But, even better, I found out that you can use straight peroxide for those "tougher, hard to treat stains". I looked around ~ yep, it fit that bill! The warning (which I share with you so you don't blast me with complaints) was to test it and make sure it didn't discolor your carpet. Again, I looked around and thought "couldn't get discolored worse than it already is". So, I got out a spray bottle and just dumped a bunch of peroxide in (from the $1.00 HUGE bottle in my medicine cabinet) and had a spray party.

Guess what???

It worked!!! Amazingly well. I couldn't believe it!! Neither could hubby when he got home from work. And it cost me pennies compared to commercial cleaners and worked in a fraction of the time with hardly any effort!

I'm so excited to have a new trick up my sleeve. Now for the energy to do the remainder of the floors!

I'm only sad it came from our sweet dog  being under the weather :(

So, let's recap ~ $1.00 for horrible dog treats or $1.00 for multipurpose hydrogen peroxide....

Pretty sure I know which belongs in the garbage and which belongs in my house!

What uses have you found for this magic household staple?