I'm not looking for easy....

Have you seen the movie Soul Surfer?

If you haven't, it's based on the life of surfer Bethany Hamilton who lost an arm in a shark attack during one of her training sessions. At the time of her accident, she was a quickly rising surfing star. The world was her oyster and she was looking to be a shoe-in for championships. The movie is about her battle back after the shark attack. After her recovery period, some surfing setbacks, and some personal growth (for more details, just see the movie people ~ it's a good one!) she decides, once and for all, that she would reenter competitive surfing ~ with one arm. At this point she has a conversation with her dad to ask for his help.

"It won't be easy", her dad states.

To which she replies ~ "I'm not looking for easy. I'm just looking for possible!".

Today, I liked being reminded that I can handle hard when I know it's possible.

I wanted to remind you too.

You are beautiful!!!

I absolutely, positively, LOVE this!!!!!

I wish I could reach through the screen and say this to your face.

But, it's also just as important that I can say it to MY face.

I don't know about you, but sometimes I have a hard time being nice to myself.

Let's be kind to ourselves today.

YOU are beautiful!!!

A wake up call

A couple of years ago I KNEW God was telling me it was time to get serious about my health. I assumed that meant diving head first into a diet and fitness plan because that is what I had always done. So, I did.

Except, it "failed".

I started with great gusto and had marginal success. But, then I got in my own way and ended up exactly where I began ~ with a little "buffer".

Just as I began to internalize this as just another indication of "failure" (unfortunately this wasn't my first go around with this process), a lifeline came my way.

I found this little book called Made to Crave, by Lysa Terkeurst. The basic premise is that we were all made to crave something ~~ God ~~ but we all have the tendency to fill that craving with something, anything, else. For some of us, we spend much time trying to fill up this hole with food. We turn to food when we are bored, lonely, frustrated, angry, happy, celebratory, relaxing, awake, and sometimes even when we are asleep! :) People of all shapes and sizes do this ~ not just those of us who are "fluffy". The book takes you on a journey to learn to recognize God in your life and invite Him into this journey we are on with food.

Where did I find this book? On my own bookshelf!!

At some point I read some positive reviews about it and picked it up on sale. I started reading it, thought it was hooey (this was somewhere during my "marginal success") and put it on my bookshelf. I'm sure I said something to myself like "this is ridiculous! What does God have to do with eating anyway. I'm going to the gym!" But, after the latest "failure", I was sick and tired of feeling such defeat and self condemnation. I was so tired of the victory/defeat cycle. I was just plain 'ole done.

Sometimes you have to come to the end of yourself in order to figure out you really don't know it all. (or, is that just me?).

This is where the journey of actual, real, lasting healing began for me. And, let me tell you, it is a winding road.

I wish it were straighter. I wish it were more like "Here's point A, you have 4 checkpoints to pass ~ see them up ahead ~ and then you will arrive at point B in exactly 123.5 days. It's that flag up there that says "B", you can see it from here!". That is what conventional dieting "wisdom" will say.

Step 1) Find a plan
Step 2) Set a long term goal
Step 3) Set some mini goals along the way
Step 4) Follow the plan to the goal.

But, anyone with a food "issue" will tell you it is nothing like this. Nothing at all.

Oh, we can be deceived into thinking it will be straight. That we have ultimate control over our timeline and if we just possess enough will power and determination we can overcome. And, while will power and determination have their place, I'm here to tell you, they are fleeting. If there isn't something more,something deeper,  then the first setback or trial will send you off track. Trust me, I know this.

So, why am I telling you this story? Because I need to.

You see, I've had another set back. As a result of a seemingly insignificant accident, I have found myself in a domino series of events that has wrecked havoc on my body and lifestyle and I feel horribly out of shape from being sedentary during recovery after not being "in shape" at the time of the accident. Up until this point, I have always had something of myself "left in reserve". Some form of my own determination. My own gumption. My own "you can push through anything" attitude. My own "you can always pick up and go for a run, walk, bike ride, weight training and just. do. it" attitude. Except right now, I physically can't ~ I'm recovering.

I will though. Eventually. And, here is how I know.

Because I have learned that I'm not alone and that there is a Strength greater than my own. I have learned that Someone loves me unconditionally and wants to be the strength of my life. I've learned that I don't have to know all the answers to know the Answer. And, I've learned that where I am Right. Now. will never be visited again.

This moment will pass. My body will heal. I will return to "regular life" and I know that strength will come. But, I've learned that healing is, as everyone tries to tell you, a process. So. Much. Happens where you can't see it ~ under the surface. A great friend once told me "the food is the last to go ~ it's the last step in the process, NOT the first." It didn't make sense when she said it. But, it does now. So much has happened inside of me that no one can see (except God). I know this is true because I am willing to write in my vulnerability, not my strength. I'm willing to write when I've made unhealthy, emotionally reactive choices in my food over the last month. I'm willing to write because I KNOW that a year ago I would have responded differently. I would have seen a number on a scale and immediately believed I was a failure and punished my body as a result ~ by binge eating, binge exercise, binge self condemnation, binge _____ (fill in the blank).

But, I'm not the same person I was a year ago. Not on the inside where it counts. And, I believe that this internal change will reap results the outside world will see. But, I think part of my healing is bringing the inside struggles and healing to light.

I think I just found my purpose in writing ~ for now. I may throw other stuff in at times, but I need a place to process this process. To pull the thoughts and feelings from inside me in order for them all to be put in their proper place. I invite you to join me. If you do, though, please be kind.

It's not easy to put it out there.

But, I'm not trying to impress you. I'm just inviting you in my bubble.

Maybe my journey can encourage you in your own.

Breaking the silence

Almost a year ~ 

That's how long since I've done anything here. 

Do you ever feel like you have so much to say and yet you can't find the words to say any of it?

Yeah, me either.

I'm still searching for words. And, hoping they come.

Because for some reason, I think I'm supposed to write. 

If not for you, then definitely for me.

New Discoveries

I love when I learn something new!

I love it even more when it makes my life easier :)

I learned today that Hydrogen Peroxide is magic. Pure magic in a brown bottle.

When we bought our house, it was carpeted in beige. It still is. Well, beige + extras. We have two kids people ~ one 5 and one 8. Things get spilled. A lot.

Listen to me ~ blaming the kids ;). Truth be told I spill just as much as them.

I try to clean it up. I really do. But, there is usually something left behind to remind me.

Then, last night our dog got sick off of cheap, generic dog treats. The kind of sick that doesn't need details or you may not read my blog again. But, let's just say that our marginal carpet was suddenly horrible. It was with Herculean self-control that I didn't just rip up the entire mess of carpet before hubby got home from work.

Then I remembered a friend told me about a hydrogen peroxide mixture for spot cleaning. I looked it up and there it was! But, even better, I found out that you can use straight peroxide for those "tougher, hard to treat stains". I looked around ~ yep, it fit that bill! The warning (which I share with you so you don't blast me with complaints) was to test it and make sure it didn't discolor your carpet. Again, I looked around and thought "couldn't get discolored worse than it already is". So, I got out a spray bottle and just dumped a bunch of peroxide in (from the $1.00 HUGE bottle in my medicine cabinet) and had a spray party.

Guess what???

It worked!!! Amazingly well. I couldn't believe it!! Neither could hubby when he got home from work. And it cost me pennies compared to commercial cleaners and worked in a fraction of the time with hardly any effort!

I'm so excited to have a new trick up my sleeve. Now for the energy to do the remainder of the floors!

I'm only sad it came from our sweet dog  being under the weather :(

So, let's recap ~ $1.00 for horrible dog treats or $1.00 for multipurpose hydrogen peroxide....

Pretty sure I know which belongs in the garbage and which belongs in my house!

What uses have you found for this magic household staple?

Sometimes you need a bucket dumped on your head!

It's hot here. Really hot.

So, where do you go when it's hot?

For us, the answer is "To the water". So, today we visited one of the local splash parks.

I knew it would be a good day when we arrived because I found a place to park our stuff in the shade of a gigantic tree right next to the water action. The day got even better when I remembered I had the beach toys in the car ~ beach toys that included BUCKETS!

Every other time we've gone to a splash park, my kids are begging to dump out the bottled water so they have SOMETHING to collect the water. Today was different. I had buckets. Big, sandcastle buckets.

Today I was the cool hero mom.

And, how did they repay the hero?

By dumping bucket after bucket of water over my head.

They started tentatively, as if they wondered if this would really be as great as they imagined. My unbridled laughter and joy were all the motivation they needed. I have no idea how many buckets they poured over me. All I know is that somewhere after the third water dump, I felt the tension and stress from the last few days wash away.

And, all I saw on my kid's faces was sheer joy.

In this shot I caught our youngest mid shower from stretching his swim shirt over the spray of the toy structure.

I loved this day :)

I am learning....

Here I am ~ it is summer. Mid summer actually! Where does the time go anyway? 

I am deep in planning mode for the upcoming school year. I spent about 4 months feeling my wheels spin over next school year. Whether or not we would continue to homeschool was not in question. What WAS in question is what exactly we would study and HOW it would look. 

I researched. I talked to people. I researched some more. I talked to people ~ again. I finally sat down a few days ago to start ordering materials. And then I went cold.

Suddenly nothing seemed right. I thought I had made up my mind. But, there was no peace. And, I couldn't for the life of me figure what was causing the unease.

Wait, did you catch that? ~ I thought I had made up MY mind.

Like I'm the director of this life we lead.

I'm reminded of the story in Matthew 7 of the wise and foolish men who built their houses on rock and sand. In this story, Jesus is explaining that people who hear His words and put them into practice are like the man who builds his house on a rock. When the rains come, the house stands strong. This stands in contrast to a man who would build his house on the sand. When rain comes, the sand is washed away and so is his house! 

I think I've always subconsciously thought the man who built his house on the sand was either lazy or stupid. It never occurred to me that these men could have both been hard workers or good builders. It takes a lot of work and skill to build a house. Blood, sweat and tears. It never says these men were lazy.And, it also doesn't say one was smart and the other stupid. It says one made a wise choice and the other made a foolish choice as to where they built their house. 

I can imagine the one who built his house on the sand walking around and saying "Hey, this looks like a nice spot for a house. Beautiful view. Soft yard. I can see my ship from here" and set to work building. I imagine he worked hard and probably had a beautiful house But here's the thing ~ he started on the wrong foundation.

Kind of like me. I am more like that man than I would care to admit. I set about doing what I think is best and most effective. I try and make our school "just so". I want it to run smoothly. I want our kids to have "enough" (whatever that is). I want to be set up for success.

But, I forget to stop and find our Rock. I forget to make sure the foundation is secure before I set to work.

Three days ago I remembered that I forgot. And I went back to the drawing board.

I prayed. I asked the One who loves us all more than life what was the best course for our school. I asked Him to show me what was best for each of my kids.

Then something crazy happened.

The spinning stopped. 

He led me back to big picture of goals for the year for each child. His goals.

And, once we had goals, we could make a plan.

Everyone knows that storms will come ~ regardless of your spot in life. It is inevitable. As a homeschool family, sometimes those storms come to our school. I have weathered many stormy days. But, I am realizing something. When I feel I am being washed under the bridge by the storm, maybe I was building on myself  instead of Someone stronger than me.

I pray I remember this the next time it rains.